Cobwebs and a Dusty Blog!

Jeez, it has been a while since I've posted anything. Writing is not my favorite thing to do.

I'm experimenting with the new My Blog List, so just randomly selected a few blog sites off my Sites to Visit list. It seems to be working and shows the latest post for the blogger. Nice!

I shall return -- eventually. I must push through this writing block.

What's in 'My Name'

I have identified with the name Susan all my life. Never liked Susie or Sue. In fact, Sue would cause a definite internal reaction. So, what's the big deal, you ask.

Here is a selection of my definitions on the three variations of my name:

Susan = asexual, knowledge, firm, proper, removed, serious, looking for 'here'
Susie = female, ethereal, soft, child like, innocent, frivolous, 'all over the place'
Sue = male, physical, hard, improper, guilty, evasive, trapped in the 'now'

These definitions then become my 'starting points' with regard to how I have defined myself in relationship to my name(s). I am not my name(s). However, they have played a role in how I see myself.

I have buried little Susie by just ignoring any reference to Susie, therefore avoiding any free, innocent, child like qualities. Too silly -- these qualities have no use.

Sue, the one that makes me squirm, tells me that I find being 'physical' uncomfortable and verging on disgusting (harsh word - but it probably fits).

And Susan, obviously, is the 'head' case. I'll just avoid all this frivolous tacky body stuff by living in my head.

The big deal is -- through identifying the reactions and meanings I see in my name(s), I have become aware of lies I tell myself about who I am or am not.

And the point is -- to use this understanding to free or release myself from personal definitions that I have accepted and allowed to limit my current physical expression. I am not these names or definitions, but they have subtly held power -- and now reveal 'layers of the onion' that are suppressing me......suppressing my Self --- now what? Self Honesty.

Mind Games

Now this is something that really gets me riled. I have never, never understood the reasoning for mind games. Just say it like it is! I just refuse to play the game. Sometimes it catches me off guard, but as soon as I am aware that I've been duped into being whipped around mentally -- the anger surges. Like -- get the hell out of my head! You are not allowed to play with me like that. I have enough to do in damage control with my own mind, conscious or otherwise. Mind games could be why I just about burned out on ever finding any answers to existence. If you just pause for a minute, and look at all that exists in your daily life, we are being lead around by a ring in our nose. And this is especially apparent when it comes to our very 'being'. We act like we don't have the foggiest on how to exist without someone telling us every little move. Sure, we've been jerked around by mind games from every angle when it comes to defining our 'source', meaning God to a majority, but what does that have to do with our daily lives? I have not yet been able to do more than put one foot in front of the other in a manner that I would not be ashamed of. No God, angel, heavenly guide, politician, banker, religious leader, friend, or foe has popped in and said, "Oh, I'll walk that for you." So why would I let them play with my head? Pawns on the chessboard of life -- being moved around by mind games. Enough! When I stumble and fall, at least I will know that it was me moving me, my responsibility, not someone else's mind game........No mind games -- now what? Self honesty.

Realization

Ok, after all these years of searching for a 'key' to life, I now find myself with what would appear to be simple steps, real tangible keys to 'Life'. Oh, and by the way, no one is going to drop in and save our (humanity's) butts, so this is seriously an individual process. You save yourself. Not really save, but realize your Self. This 'breath of life' that allows me to be in physical existence and points me to Self has not been my focus in this search. I've always seen physicality as a prison, uncomfortable, and illogical to the utmost. Who in any form of sanity would design this experience. Well, come to find out, I did, you did, all of us in self deception concocted this reality. No way! Where, at what point, did I lose myself to such a degree that I would participate in such a world. I can come up with a million questions as to why, why, why -- but it really doesn't matter at this point. I am here. I either break the attachment to self deception and retrieve my Self from certain death (loss of self awareness), or pretend this just can't be real and continue to infuse the mechanisms of our current cruel and insane reality. There is no choice. I see that, I know that, but the hold of endless suppression screams from the depths -- I am not strong enough to break this cycle. My body literally trembles and pushes to break free. As director of Self, I respond by returning my focus to the 'breath', the moment of 'beingness', swearing I will retain my stance. A split second later I realize I am back in the land of the dead and dying. This process to Self, an existence I cannot even fathom, is not going to be simple or easy. Recovering from stupidy never is............

aaah.....no photo

I have just discovered in myself the reverse of the 'beauty system'. Ann, you will love this one! Having spent many years in the business world -- you know, dressed to the 9's, even on weekends not being seen without putting the 'picture' all in place -- a couple of years ago I gave it all up and went in complete reverse. Well, that has ended up in the total disregard of how I enjoy my own physical presence. No wonder the 'being' staring back at me in the mirror looks lost and forlorn. Surely there is a happy medium to be found. So, while I peel back the mind and all its webs, a little TLC for the physical. Photo to arrive upon completion of at least a reasonable self restoration.

Here I am ! .....now what?

What a fascinating quandary. Years of intense search for the meaning of 'life' and the meaning of 'me'. Only to find, I must empty 'me' in order to discover 'Life'. All this time flailing about, lost in a haze of deception, gathering as much knowledge as my mind will bear, and lo and behold -- "here I am" -- just waiting to be uncovered in all its simplicity. And the "now what" is to peel back to the core. And so it begins.....